i really, really want to have sex with chad kroeger of nickelback.
wait, don't stop reading yet! i don't even like dudes, but there's a method to my madness!
you see, i'd love nothing more than to run into chad kroeger in a bar somewhere, where he's busy drinking bud light and watching, i don't know, probably ghost hunters, because he's a fucking dipshit and would watch ghost hunters. i bet he'll be playing pool, and picking his nose, and wiping boogers under the barstools. and i'd like to start up a conversation, and we can both keep pounding back the beers--i won't be drinking that bud light shit. and we talk about how we like to go fishing with dynamite, and how the fucking liberal media won't leave ted nugent alone, and we get drunker and drunker.
then, when he's barely able to speak (which should be, i don't know, two beers for that dumbass... maybe a beer and a half), i'll get up. as he's puking on the bar, i'll go to the jukebox and start playing that "on the dark side" song from eddie and the cruisers. and i'll unbutton the top couple of buttons on my shirt and sidle over to him, all seductive-like, and, in the dim light, i'll lean over and say, "i've never been with a man before, but i think the two of us can discover a whole new world of pleasure."
so we'll go back to my place. i'd say his place, but he doesn't do laundry and there's pudding containers all over the floor and it's kind of gross. the two of us will do unspeakable things to one another all night, finally falling asleep in one another's arms upon the sticky sheets.
then, in the morning, i'll lean over and wake him with a light kiss on the forehead. he'll open his eyes and smile at me. "last night was wonderful," i'll say. "yes," he'll answer, "it was the greatest experience of my life. i've never known that i could be so happy in the arms of another man."
and, at that point, i'll jump up out of the bed, point at him, and laugh my ass off."YOU HAD SEX WITH A DUDE!!! THAT MAKES YOU GAY!!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!"
and, then, because chad kroeger is a fucking redneck dipshit piece of crap with his head so far up his ass that he can't trim his nose hairs because he'll cut his spleen if he does, he will start crying for a second or two before he commits suicide.
and, by taking one for the team, i will have ridded the world of fucking nickelback for all time. that will make me greater than